Retired to the Rafters

Baseball Wisdom Trampoline Retired FontsWisdom Script:
“Overuse makes this font an unwise choice.”—John
“Elegant, but so overused it gives us a rash-like itchy feeling all over.” —Will
“I’m so Fancyyyy…” —Iggy Azalea
Basketball Trajan Trampoline Retired FontsTrajan:
“Hey, let’s make a movie poster! Hey, we need to do a sign for a Law Office. Or, a movie about a law office!” —Matt
“Designed to mimic script found in classical antiquity, this overused font belongs in a museum.” —John
“TraJan Brady: Always miserable.”—Sean
“Isn’t this a condom company?” —Derek
Hockey Archer Trampoline Retired Fonts
“I’m just quirky enough for hipsters to like me! Please, like me. Please.”—Kate
“Says:I want you to know that this is a legitimate enterprise I’m trying to brand. But I also like to have fun too. Which makes me the font version of a mullet.” —Matt
Football Bebas Trampoline Retired FontsBebas:
“Permanently in the penalty box for illegal kerning.” —Derek
“A condensed sans-serif adored by hipsters who have become too cool for Helvetica.”—Will
“As boring as a plain bagel.” —John
“Apparently, an excuse to ignore letterspacing altogether.”
Basketball Papyrus Trampoline Retired FontsPapyrus:
“Two generations of designers wish it was dead.” —Derek
“More like nap eye-crust, amiright?”
“The typographic equivalent of your creepy uncle.” —Will
“If the snake didn’t kill Cleopatra, this font would have.”—Matt
Baseball Lobster Trampoline Retired FontsLobster: 
“Wicked ova-used.”—Derek
“Just because it’s named after an expensive food, doesn’t mean it won’t make your design look cheap.”
“As with most free fonts, Lobster is abused by every half-wit with an illegal version of Illustrator and no self-control.”
Hockey Comic Sans Trampoline Retired FontsComic Sans: 
“A great choice for inviting your friends to your unicorn-themed 8th birthday party.” —Kate
“The demonic clown of typefaces.”—Sean
“Like a joke that was taken way too far, Comic Sans reeks of embarrassment and regret.” —Will
“A typographer walks into a bar…” —John
Football Meta Trampoline Retired FontsMeta: 
“I couldn’t even think of a critique for this because I fell asleep after looking at it for five seconds.” —Kate
“More like Metamucil…” —Matt
“Wish it were mbettah.” —Sean
Baseball Impact Trampoline Retired FontsImpact: 
“Ironically, no impact.”—Derek
“Turns me into Grumpy Cat.” —Sean
“The font equivalent of an All-Caps email.” —Matt
“Used mostly for memes and bad powerpoint presentations, type set in Impact can’t help but look like a shouting match.” —Will